Sunday, 31 December 2017

Goodbye 2017 // #blankthoughts

2017 - What A Year.

When I look back on this year, I can’t help but smile. 2017 has been the year of self belief and happiness, both of which I conquered.

At the start of the year I was in a rut with what I wanted in life. Did I even want to go to university anymore? Did I even want to be the type of performer I still aspire to be? Or was I happy to accept a different pathway if it meant that I felt like I was achieving something at that current moment, even if in reality it was not relevant to what I wanted.  My confidence dropped and if I’m honest its still affecting me now, there are situations that never used to bother me regarding performing that terrify me now, and probably will for a little while longer, but I’m working on it, and I’m certain it will get better. 

Cut to Spring, audition after audition for several different theatre schools started to leave me feeling deflated. I usually got a buzz of adrenaline from auditions but for some reason this year I really wasn’t feeling it, and that clearly came across in my auditions. I couldn’t ‘fake it until I made it’ and saw myself rejected from all of the schools I had applied for. Crap. There were two courses that I could apply for as back up (both of which I was unbelievably interested in attending), one was at Rose Bruford and was an opera course via distance learning, and the other was Voice in Performance at LCM. After a few phone calls and long discussions with several family members it was decided I’d audition for LCM and if that didn’t become a thing I get back in contact with Rose Bruford about the opera course (I had initially looked in to studying this rather than my HNC.) 

I arrived in London on the 28th of April full of nerves and excitement. I was staying in Paddington, and I went for a walk around Hyde Park/Kensington Gardens just like I did on my first visit to London when I was around the age of four, and just like that I started to get teary. Everything suddenly felt like it did a couple of years ago, I reminded myself why I loved London so much, and that all my aspirations for my career involving performing/singing/writing, all of which meant and still mean so much to me, if they ever came true it would be in this city. I went shopping, ate some food and retreated back to my hotel room where I rehearsed and then spent the evening watching episodes of Miranda. On the morning of my audition I was a bag of nerves, even more nervous than I was when I first started auditioning years ago. I gave it my all in the audition and was completely happy with how everything went at that moment (looking back there are SO many things I’d do differently), and during a conversation with one of my course lecturers when he said ‘Are you sure this course is for you?’ that I really felt it. I got emotional explaining why I loved what I loved so much and why it meant so much to me, I started to doubt myself in that moment and had I really done all I could. He also did tell me that he could see me starring in Carousel in the future which really made me smile. I left completely clueless as to whether I had got in, and off I headed back to Paddington ready to come home. Four days later, and email landed in my inbox from UCAS saying something had changed on Track, and in my heart I thought I hadn’t got in. For some reason I expected an email from the university to accompany an offer, and initially I ignored the email. It was a Wednesday morning, and this was the day we had back to back classes, and I knew that I realistically wouldn't be able to check the email until lunch. I logged in and saw unconditional offer. I’m not even sure what noise I made when I received the offer but the tears then followed. Thank goodness for my then course mates (and really great friends) who were all then sat around with me laughing at my emotions. If it wasn’t for the fact I needed to get on with rehearsals for our show which was a few weeks away I probably would have cried all day. This is hands down one of the best days of the year and my life, and one I certainly won’t forget.

Over the Summer I turned 20, finished my HNC and truly began to accept myself. My Mum and I went on holiday to Crete and for the first time in years I felt fully comfortable with my body. My Mum loved taking pictures for me every evening/afternoon (sense the sarcasm), and I don’t care how people take this, but I felt amazing everyday. There were days that I was a bit more bloated or my skin reacted to the suncream, but everyday I felt amazing- something I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

In the Autumn I moved to London. After an incredible leaving party surrounded by everyone I love, I finally moved to the city of my dreams. On move in day I was teary for about 20 minutes, and it was a combination of ‘oh my god I moved away from home’ and ‘I’ve done it.’ Since then, there hasn’t been one day where I regretted leaving Plymouth, of course I miss it when I’m not there, but London really does bring out the best of me. Within the first week of university I truly realised who I was, what I wanted in my ‘career’ and how I hopefully could live my life. I have made SO many incredible friends who are all so talented in their own right that I hope that ‘luck’ is on their side in the future, because they truly deserve it. 

The past term at university has been exhausting, but I really have enjoyed every single second of it. Of course there has been times when I haven’t truly felt my best, and the few weeks I spent within my room ‘sorting myself out’ was exactly what I needed to remind myself of why I am here. Returning home for Christmas has made me more eager to return to London and get on with everything. So many people I have seen since coming home have commented on how much happier I am now living in London. I truly feel like I am living the life I’ve dreamt of since I was a little girl.

So to conclude a rather lengthy year in review, 2017 has been amazing, and I put it down to focussing on those around me and everything I love.

To my unbelievably supportive friends and family, whether you’ve been around since day one or more recently, thank you for being there throughout the adventure. I can’t wait to see what happens next and what 2018 brings, but once again, I predict and hope it could be a great one.

Beki x


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