Thursday, 17 August 2017

My Fear of Turning 20



Two months ago I turned 20, I spent the best part of two years prior to my birthday dreading leaving my teens and becoming an 'adult', and I couldn't put my finger on why- until the beginning of May.

I had suddenly found a new confidence within myself, I felt so much happier, less stressed and generally the best I had felt physically in years. I got my email saying I had got into university and I honestly felt unstoppable. It had taken me three years to not only prove to so many people who have told me that I wasn't strong enough to go to theatre school or to consider other options, as well as proving to myself that if you stick at something long enough something good does come about in the end. Over the next couple of weeks I finished my dance course, picked up more hours in work and simply getting myself into the mindset of soon I'm going to be leaving Plymouth- and that is scary.

It was when I phoned my friend on the train on the way home from another audition a month after my birthday and when I knew I hadn't been successful, in that I realised why I wasn't bothered about getting that opportunity. I already had 'proper' plans for the foreseeable future, and wasn't freaking out in the back of my mind about the fact I had no life plan.

You see, I accepted when I was 17 that I wouldn't graduate at the 'same' time as everyone else. I stuck to my guns and made sure I only applied for the theatre & music schools I could see myself going too. Sure, I've also had so many other auditions for different things as well as universities, and whilst those opportunities would have possibly lead me to a different pathway now, I'm currently the strongest I've felt mentally in what feels like forever. Sure, I'd love to be graduating and breaking into the big world of work next year, but that simply isn't an option- and I'm okay with that.

People joke about being in their twenties and not having their life together, and whilst I've only been twenty for just a couple of months, I know exactly what I want in life now, and it's just a case of making it happen. Regardless of what people say, twenty does sound so much older than nineteen, and frankly I've loved turning around and saying to people that I'm twenty years old, heading to theatre school with a long list of ambitions that I don't plan on letting go of.

If there's one thing I've learnt in the past two months, it's that you have to be confident and comfortable with your choices, else no one else around you will be.

See you soon London...

Beki x



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