Tuesday, 9 May 2017

You've Got Your Sparkle Back



Yesterday I came to realise that over the past couple of weeks I have felt the happiest I have felt in months, and possibly even years.

*Disclaimer- this doesn't mean I have been depressed, or upset or completely unhappy over the past however many months/years, I just feel happier now than I did back then.*

Anyone who knows me knows there always seems to be a little drama or something happening. If you combine this with 'life in general', my 'currently under control stress anxiety' this bodes well for a need to focus/relax on the future- which is incredibly hard to do when you don't know what the future is.

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Applying for theatre schools, dance colleges and professional jobs has arguably been the most difficult thing I have done in my almost twenty years (eek). It is not easy going travelling for hours to the same schools year after year to be told that you just aren't good enough at this moment in time- it is exhausting, but we do it because it's something that we love and need to progress our potential careers with.

The past three years I have spent applying for theatre schools has been emotionally draining, and I'm not saying it to be dramatic (oh the irony), but it really has.

I would say I have a thick skin when it comes to performance and auditions, naturally I do think I bounce off of criticism well and I've always been that 'irritating' kind of person who isn't happy with what they've accomplished until it is perfect. Corrections, redirection and general critique are standard with any performance qualification, lesson or audition, as ultimately it is your opinion against someone else's interpretation. But oh. my. goodness. it is so difficult having to justify to yourself that maybe this year wasn't your year, and that all you can do is keep working, trying and learning until it all works out.

This time last year I was baby sitting fairly frequently as my income, almost every 'normal/proper' job I had applied for was a 'thanks but no thanks'. I was struggling with my A Levels due to a questionable education system that was in place, hadn't got into any of the theatre schools I had applied for and at that moment still had no idea what I was doing once I finished Sixth Form. I was miserable, stressed and not talking to anyone about it (well most people anyway...). And the worst part out of all of it was I didn't (and still don't) have a clue as to what I could do if I never got the chance and had to give up on the idea of performing.

Cut to a year later, I have a stable job in retail, I'm about to finish a one year dance course at my local college, I've made myself constantly learn new material so that I can always 'be on top of my sh*t' in an audition and I'm starting my three year BA in September. If you had told me that a year ago I would have laughed in your face and told you to stop dreaming and be realistic. Most importantly, I am so much happier now than I was last year that I question how I got anything done at all.

Having the 'sparkle' and knowing what I am doing for the next three years has honestly made my life.  Again, that may sound overdramatic, but it just feels amazing knowing that everything I've worked for (and stress 'WORKED FOR' and not been handed on a plate like others may believe) has finally paid off.  

What I'm trying to say is, whilst life may seem a little uncertain most of the time, everything does work out in the end.

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'sometimes you have to plough through everything that's a little crap to get the sparkle'



See you in September London...

Beki x





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