Friday, 17 February 2017

Stress & The Fear of Failure




(this blogpost was written over numerous parts of the day)

It's 2.53am on the 16th of February 2017. I have generally avoided staying up to this time following the finish the A Level Drama (numerous 4am finishes and 6am starts mixed with copious amounts of Red Bull don't make a very cooperative Beki funnily enough!), however, in true Beki Blank style, its February and I am stressed. Just a tad, but all the same, stressed- or so I thought.

I say just a tad due to the fact that I am generally the kind of person who is always stressed or anxious about something, something is always on my mind 'worrying' me or going through my thoughts repeatedly so I don't forget (this is probably for the best- my forgetfulness is appalling!), and this is something that I am comfortable with, aware of, and most importantly in control of. 

However, on Wednesday the 15th of February, I had the mother of all Beki Breakdowns. The involve numerous equivalents of Kim Kardashian Crying Faces, endless spoonfuls of Nutella and general thoughts that often include/revolve around 'Why did I fall in love with performing?'- and the icing on the cake to this situation was my cat being sick all over the coffee table, not ideal for someone with Emetophobia!

I love to write to do lists, whether it be on paper or on my phone, and get great satisfaction in ticking off things I have done in the day (this will often include watch Eastenders, but it is another box ticked!). My To Do list is often never ending due to the fact I am constantly wanting to do more than I am probably able to do at this given moment, combined with my to do list often including the life goals I have rather than remembering to put the bins out.

So simply, yesterday I had a break down about the fact that I may not get to be the 'career bitch' or 'girl boss' I desire. I felt useless, talentless and like everything I had worked for both in education and in my own time was a simple waste of time. Earlier in the day I had cried over top notes that I felt I couldn't sing, screamed over monologues that weren't remotely entering my brain and asked myself why I was still trying. Cut to 1am-3am, where I spent two hours tidying my room, planning emails and saving lots of items to my Asos basket. It was almost like I had tipped over the edge of the iceberg and had the meltdown I needed, and subsequently fell asleep.

When I woke up Thursday morning I sent the emails I needed to send, told myself it was just a bad day and continued with the day like it was just another and I felt better for it. Now I know I just need to stop stressing and focussing more- else I will literally be no one (or any universities friend.)

I want to end this post simply saying I wish stress wasn't a subject that was brushed over like it was nothing. Stress has affected my health since I was 10 years old and somehow I think it will probably affect me for many more years to come. Only a few people have ever seen me at my worst and honestly, sometimes I wish more people had. This probably sounds ridiculous and attention seeking, but hear me out- I wish people would understand how ill, anxious and useless I feel when I am at my worst. I sit, I shake and I cry. I panic and basically think that the world around me is about to end if I don't complete what I set out to do, which 99% isn't the case. I do my best to hide it, but then often end up a clumsy mess that struggles with the simplest of tasks all because something that has nothing to do with the task I am taking part in is playing on my mind. I wish that people understood that it really affects and controls the way I can live my life and obviously, I wish I didn't suffer stress. And that I hope that one day stress doesn't run my life, and that I have a control on it.

Beki x



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2 comments

  1. I have recently discovered your blog and it has really inspired me to create my own because I like to know I'm not the only one feeling a certain way and if you can help 1 person,
    I want to help just 1 person too! X

    ReplyDelete
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    1. wow thank you! leave your website I'll take a look x

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