Tuesday, 27 September 2016

I'm a Perfectionist // #blankthoughts



I’m a perfectionist. And I hate it. Sure, its lovely when I complete something that I am 100% proud of it, but the levels of anxiety and stress- and I mean real anxiety and stress not ‘fake for social media’ anxiety and stress I go through to get to the end product really isn’t worth it. I get all the ‘general’ symptoms/side effects that run alongside anxiety, and my spout of anaemia last year was a result of it; it simply sucks.

I’ve recently been reflecting on how much better I have felt since finishing school, which was absolutely hell for my emotions. I always felt like I was being judged at school, as was constantly pushed in a good way to get what I needed, but even then, I never felt like I was doing enough. Week after week I’d be up most nights working and re-working on things because I simply wasn’t happy with them. I became a recluse in my own room and simply didn’t want to socialise or interact with anyone, from Year 11 to Year 13 it was painful and I often feel like I wasted those years as a teenage by simply not doing anything.

Throughout Year 14 and now I thought I had gotten better, attending three dance classes a week made me get out, and whilst I wasn’t surrounded by my social group in the classes, it made me make the most of the time I did have with them.

I was so SO happy to finish school, and even though I cried on my last day (at the fact I knew I wasn’t going to see some pretty amazing friends on a daily basis again – p.s. if you guys are reading this I will come and visit soon I promise!!!) I couldn’t wait to be out of the place that made me feel the most pressured- or so I thought.

The day that this is posted, I properly start my dance course, we’ve had the admin inductions, but today marks the start of a one-year intense dance course, and I couldn’t be more terrified.

Every single person on my courses main discipline is dance. They’ve done it for hours a week for years, and then there’s me, who’s only been properly been dancing for 18 months. I know it isn't my strength, I can get my way through it, but that’s about it. I am terrified about what everyone may think of me, but this is literally a thought that goes through my head with almost every situation, and I can’t stand it any more.

Yesterday (at time of publishing), I spent all day trying to record some covers for my YouTube channel and other things I am working on, and none out of a target of two (possible three) happened. For once, I knew what songs I wanted to do, felt unbelievably comfortable singing them given that I do frequently sing them around the house, however this wasn’t the case. I recorded each song a number or times and wasn’t happy with any attempt. Now I will say they weren’t at my best, but usually I can forgive myself for the odd tiny mistake, but this wasn’t the case, and I wasn’t happy.

So, to end, I simply am a perfectionist, and I’m working on controlling it.

Beki x


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