Wednesday, 2 September 2015

a blogging holiday...


'We're all going on a blogging holiday...'

Hello all, I am back- and its time for some explaining.

I last posted at the end of July, with every intention of writing throughout August, however a few things happened that put everything into perspective (somethings bad but also very good I might add), and now I am back.

I don't have a clue where to even begin with this post, so I shall pour my heart out however it comes to my head.

(Also want to add this isn't a major bitching session/dig towards people, nor is it a 'give me attention' blogpost, this in an update that I feel the need to post.)

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I've deleted this paragraph and restarted it four times, simply because of how it sounded and other peoples takes on it. I'm not seriously ill and I am not claiming to be. From the beginning of this year I had been feeling fairly ill and tired. I put it down to stress, I was helping organise a school show, work on an unorganised A Level course and it was complicated at home. I was doing all of this whilst also dreaming of getting into to university for Musical Theatre. I knew my voice hadn't been properly right since maybe November, and put it down to changes a voice can get, especially as my range stayed the same and if anything my higher soprano notes became louder and clearer. During auditions I would find that I was incredibly tired after singing only two minutes of a song, and yes singing is hard work, but it had never effected me before. 

From January onwards I was coming home from school and sleeping for at least three hours an evening before getting anything else done. I remember one night leaving school at five, grabbing McDonalds on the way home for tea and falling asleep from 6pm until 6am the next morning, and I still felt just as exhausted. Skip to March where I lost my voice performing and was rather tired blah blah blah. We all know what happened there and thankfully now my voice is almost back to what it was, if not stronger in some cases. After Hairspray had finished I found myself having a lot more energy, and I realised because I wasn't 'stressing' out so much that I was starting to feel healthier- or so I thought. 

Our workload for one of our courses was thrown on us, and we were expected to do half of the 2 year course in approximately six weeks. You can imagine the tension. By June we still had lots of the course left, and I was starting to feel incredibly ill again. At this point I was at the doctors begging for different tablets to help me try and feel human again, I wanted to enjoy my last few weeks of Year 13, before summer and the beginning of Year 14. However, I had to miss a week of school, one of the most important weeks of school, as we had our BTEC Drama Showcase the week after, and we needed to prepare as  a class. I had what was suspected at the time as a chronic form of hayfever, and due to being stressed, the 'drowsiness' in hayfever tablets were what was making me 'poorly' (colds,coughs,sore throat, migraines.) Lets just say being off that week didn't go down too well with many people, and hearing things about yourself which aren't true (including she's probably faking it!) by people who you thought you were close too was a major kick in the teeth. And as it wasn't the first time in this year that I had heard things about myself, it made me realise there and then that I obviously was never going to do the right thing for some people, and just needed to carry on living my life my way.

At this point I couldn't wait to finish school. I was referred for a blood test, to which I passed out in the first time around as the nurse couldn't find any blood, and I was that exhausted trying on the other arm was no option. I was told to finish school, relax and go to the hospital, as that was if I fainted again they could throw me in a bed and still get the blood. So a month later I am at the hospital, laughing my way through the blood test expecting it to be stress that is making me ill, as I had felt fine since the moment I had finished school. However, a couple of days later my doctors phoned me and insisted that I got to the surgery as quickly as possible. I got there not having a clue what to expect, and oops I am severely anaemic, and have been for years. Yep, that explains all the sleepiness, breathlessness, some of my paleness and why I had been ill every month all year! (At least there is something to show I'm not faking it now!) I started my course of tablets the following day, and now being on them for almost a month, and I really can feel the difference- my energy levels are so much higher than what they had been (to the point where some nights I can't sleep at all- thats definitely not me!) and I am on the road to being back to normal again.

Happiness/Ambition

I wanted to type this paragraph separately to the lengthy one above, especially as I feel that this topic has been a major turning point for me this year. Again, throughout this year I haven't felt 100%. I put it down to being stressed and busy that I never could really enjoy anything. In February I decided that in this academic year university wasn't for me, I had done Uni/Drama school auditions, and had been rejected and knew that I probably needed a year out to improve.

After rescheduling my Grade 8 Musical Theatre following losing my voice, I was skeptical to see what the outcome would be. I kept saying I couldn't read the examiner in the exam, however I felt I had done my best and definitely done enough to pass. Nope. I missed it by two marks. I was upset for a day or so, but now I've accepted that at that moment in time I wasn't well when I took the exam, and whilst I could argue/appeal my results, I'd much rather continue to better myself and re-take the exam next year and hopefully do better. My A Levels were okay. I didn't get my music grades this year because I am staying on for Year 14, however my Drama results, of which I was predicted and 'expecting' DD in, weren't what I expected. (expecting being typed loosely, especially as the course was a bit of a shambles throughout Year 13.)

Over the summer holidays I made a few changes in my head about how I was going to live my life in the foreseeable future. I can proudly say now that I don't care. I don't care what anyone thinks of what I do anymore, I am making the right decisions for myself, and they are definitely not effecting them in any shape or form. Why should being ambitious or being yourself make you someone that you apparently aren't? 

I don't intend on using being unhappy or ill as an excuse for my lack of work this year, because I did do things, just not as much as I liked or to a standard that I liked. Now that I am feeling better again I can't wait to be the 'new'/'better'/'original' version of myself that I have wanted back for so long. At the time of typing its 10:53pm on September the 1st, and I am ready to be determined, and to make this next year the 'happiest' and most productive year of my life. (cringe.)

Beki x



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